Di balik Retina

Snapchat, insta story, bahkan what's app status sudah membuat kita semua secara tidak sengaja berlomba-lomba "pamer" secara instant. Travelling sekarang diibaratkan dengan foto-foto instagram-worth dibandingkan memori itu sendiri. Tidak banyak yang meng-hire professional photographer untuk membuat sesi foto panjang selama liburan. Memakai saltum (bayangkan summer dress di 15 derajat celcius). Dan banyak lainnya. Nggak jarang, momen jalan-jalan itu berhenti ketika kita sudah merasa kalau kita sudah mengambil foto yang bagus.
Memang tidak bisa dipungkiri, jalan-jalan ke tempat baru banyak hal yang menarik. Banyak hal baru dan unik. Nggak jarang, kita berasa seperti fotografer yang merasa "ini momen untuk foto." Tapi, pada akhirnya, kita jadi sibuk foto-foto atau merekam momen tersebut tanpa tersadar kalau kita nggak benar-benar berada di momen tersebut, menikmati.
Aku selalu percaya bahwa tiap tempat itu punya cerita. Mau kita sudah sering ke tempat itu, atau pertama kali, tiap tempat selalu memberi cerita baru. Salah satunya Jakarta kemarin. Menurutku, perjalanan kali itu termasuk istimewa di antara hal-hal biasanya saja.
Perjalanan kemarin itu, aku merekam dengan retina. Ada banyak hal yang membuatku gatal untuk merekam. Tempat air suci di Gereja ada tertulis - Tempat air suci, bukan tempat cuci tangan-, sinar-sinar matahari yang tembus dari mozaik di dinding Gereja, Jakarta dini hari, air mancur depan monas, dan seterusnnya dan seterusnya. Jakarta kali ini amat sangat menyenangkan. Aku sama sekali tidak terjebak macet. Memang, aku cuma jalan-jalan sekitar daerah Thamrin. Dalam 3 hari, aku mengagumi gedung-gedung pemerintahan yang megah-megah, dan hotel-hotel bintang lima di sekitar situ. Jakarta sebenarnya cantik. Akhir pekan yang lalu, aku menikmati setiap warna-warna yang berseliweran.
Subuh pukul 2 dini hari, Jakarta tetap belum sepenuhnya terlelap. Penjual tahu bulat dengan semi trucknya berada di sekitar bundaran HI, ada beberapa orang yang mengambil gambar berlatar belakang patung selamat datang dan Mandarin Hotel, ruas jalan Thamrin yang hanya terisi 2 sampai 3 mobil. Semua ini terjadi di balik retinaku. Terekam menuju hippocampus, dan sekarang dideskripsikan melalui kata-kata.

Sekali-sekali postingan tanpa gambar atau foto hanya berisikan huruf-huruf. Karena, menurutku aku lebih menikmatinya tanpa harus buru-buru untuk merekamnya dengan handphone.

Semuanya terekam di balik retina...



CVB

Definition

When you think about the word "definition" - most of the time, you are trying to define something. A description. Situations that you can refer in a word. or two. However, I am stuck. I cannot define what is going on in me in a word.
I want to be in a total silence. Thinking of me in a house in the middle of the forest. A little soft sound of bugs, water drops, and the rest is just me and nature. But not totally alone. I am imagining somebody sitting with me, sipping tea or coffee, in silence. A companion without a sound. Not because we are fighting to each other, but we just knew that we just long for each other companion.
I want to be in a stranger place when I don't know anybody. Nevertheless, there's a cat or a dog that sits outside wiggling her tails or shrugs her head on my legs. A familiarity in a total stranger.
Those weird contradiction attracting to each other, blending in me. Sounds a little bit introvert and melancholy here?
I can't agree more.
This is just an exhausted feeling over changes. Not because I am in denial or unhappiness. This is the road I chose anyway. I may rephrase it, it is the world given to me. No, I am not saying that I will stop or whine endlessly. It is just like start wearing new shoes.
It makes your feet bruises. Feel a little bit pained when you walk. But, as the days passes, your feet and toes adapt to the new shape of shoes, and suddenly you just feel comfort in it.
I am basically in the beginning part of wearing the new shoes. Just need a little more time to finally own it.

I do feel exhausted every single time I hit my room. But, still I am looking for a new day. Passing each day, curious of what about to happen next. Perhaps the lyrics below define it all.

If someone just says the words, “that’s it”
I think I’ll agree and give up
If someone comforts me, saying that I’ll do well
I think I’ll start to cry
My footsteps want to rest for a bit

But I can’t because I have only one dream
I can’t make everything go back because of how I feel today
Don’t compare me, don’t care about me, who says that’s the right way?
There is no right way, the way that I chose is my way

I’m sorry my love, I wanted to be the source of your pride
In my exhausted day, I just want some comfort
If you comfort me, saying that you believe me
I think I’ll start to cry
I’m sitting on the edge of this night with a drunken sigh

I’ll get through it, just like you believed I would
I have only one dream
I can’t make everything go back because of how I feel today
Don’t compare me, don’t care about me, who says that’s the right way?
There is no right way, the way that I chose is my way

- Kwak Jin Eon, Kim Feel, Yoon JOng Shin, "Exhausted" - 

So, the definition of me now is... 

exhausted...but, can't go back because how I feel today. In my exhausted day, I just want some comfort. Though, if you comfort me, saying that you believe me, I think I'll start to cry. Well, there is no right way, the way that I chose is my way. 

CVB

February Shots

Feeling valentines?
Maybe not that fast. However, I can say that I am in love already...

I am in love with 2017, even though it is still the second month of it. Things are evolving slowly yet surely. Overwhelming? Sometimes, yes. Too many things are being thrown towards me. All you can name it; frustration, hope, adrenaline rush, sadness, loss, determination, bundling all in me. and why I can still say that I am in love with 2017? Am born as a natural optimistic individual perhaps? Too optimistic sometimes. But that does not mean that I am not feeling any negativities. Oh hell yes. I can say that I am feeling anxiety, a little bit devastating, but perhaps that makes me seek out for positivisms; name H.O.P.E.

Hope for the better ones... ?

nope... not for that...

But, a hope that my heart is true to itself.
 I am following my guts.

and my guts say "It is worth to wait. It is worth to fight" So here I am fighting over my own fear and doubtedness. I am not here to brag about how great I will be, but I simply just want to get through it. 2016 ended roughly, 2017 started with a lot of things happened. I was at the point where I felt exhausted for not even a month passing. Nevertheless, I will not whine anymore for it was much better than the beginning of 2016.

In 2017, I am feeling more positive powers around me though, what it looks like now is I am surrounded by many negative environments. A change, a challenge, alone in the darkness swarming towards the light... telling my self that the result will be good either way. I have nothing to lose.
Truly, I can say that I appreciate what 2016 has given to me. All the series happened last year was like an antidote for this year. To stay strong, and to have faith.
Another glimpse of haze over here. I am sorry I cannot directly telling you what exactly happening. It is too personal to be spilled, and at the same time, I am too feeling all over the places. It is about both personal and professional matters. Here, just words to express what is bickering like a Chinese new year firecracker in my head.

All of these making me fight over it. Somehow, I am dying to know how it will work out. Things are evolving for sure, but thanks to the Aries sign, I am curious already. There are so many vivid dreams that my head generates right now. I can't wait to take a stroll along foreign lanes, murals on the walls, tasting unfamiliar food, sipping coffee at the cafe on the street, smiling with loved ones. I can't wait to scratch out things that I would have done one by one on my resolutions. I am just feeling I have too much energy due to too much pressure, and I need to release some of it. Exactly like in a pressure cooker. Oh well.. I still have 300 more days.
2017 still has 300 more pages to be written and more stories to be uncovered. That's what makes me falling in love with 2017 already. I have a little feeling that this year is another great year :)

I certainly believe that my prayers are heard somehow, and I pray that this year will be like that so...

"Chill Chen, enjoy the process... "

Just don't give up on me yet, because I haven't given up on my self either...


CVB