Life is a drama itself isn't it? Sometimes, you find 3 events happened in one 120 minutes movie. Sometimes, in a series, somebody says I love you on episode 2. Then, somebody is killed on episode 4. I feel that my life in the first week of September is like a drama. On the 1st of September, I heard a joyful news, we finally have birthday celebration for FOUR generations on 1st September. My grandma, my aunt, and we have to skip the third generation, go directly to fourth generation, my niece was born on first of September. What's more delightful than that? A miracle does happen. It was a blessing. truly.
Then, September 3rd, I flew to Jakarta for another wedding. She's one of the closest when I was in high school. I hung out a lot with juniors when I was in high school. She and the other 2 girls were together with me as Alto in the school vocal group. I was so happy seeing familiar faces whom I never seen for years. I was happy. Joyful. Delighted.
Finally, September 4th, just when I arrived in Malang from Jakarta, I saw the news on line saying one of my mom's aunt was passed away. Life is indeed like a movie. I can't believe that everything can be happened in a week. Life is a cycle indeed, and it moves forward. What bugs me tho, I am thinking of her sister. The grandma (my mom's aunt) who passed away is unmarried, she lived with her youngest sister who also unmarried. The youngest worked with my mom as old as I am. My family is so closed with her. She is one of the most influencing people in my life. She was the one who picked me up from school since kindergarten to high school. No kidding. Literally, daily. I am worried of her. Losing someone really strikes you after all the crowds are gone, when you are alone at the places you shared memory with the one who passed. I am imagining, she is sleeping on the same bed with her sister, she eats on the same table with her sister, and many things in her home or in her daily will remind her of her late sister. This is what happened to those who are left.
Dealing with loss always different to everyone. But, one thing for sure, tears will be shed, if you are remembering of your loved ones who passed away already. I remember, not so long before my mom passed, she told me that she missed her dad so much with teary eyes and shaky voice. At that time, her dad already passed over a decade, but her feeling of loss still there. I believe everyone will do the same. I do the same. It has been only three years since my mom passed away, and I can't help but tearing if I miss her, if I remember about her, if I encountered something that related to her. Not long a go, I think about last week of August, I suddenly missed mambo so much. So... much.... It happened once in a while. Before, every Sunday was a miserable time, because I was all alone in Malang and nothing to do, my brain automatically played a memory with mambo. That's how it is. I somehow don't want to forget. I am afraid to forget the memories about mambo. I want to recollect every memory about her even that means that I have to cry or if I have to feel sad. Because, it is a disaster if I forget about her.
Dealing with loss for me is facing it. If you miss somebody who passed, remember her or him. Nothing is wrong about crying. Nothing is wrong about recalling memories about them. Those who have passed, are meant not to be forgotten. They've been in our life anyway. I know we should not drown in sadness, but remembering is not wrong. The wrong thing is if we forget.
I have not really shared about this to anyone, but weeks after my mom passed, everyone was asking me whether I was Ok or not. I answered to them that I was OK. I was OK indeed, but that's because people's attention was still with us. However, months after that, me and papo felt the pain of losing even more. People always move forward with their life, their attention on us was not so intense anymore, then, we could not help but dealing that somebody who's been with us, was not with us anymore.
From my personal experience, after 100 days of my mom passed, I could not help but longing for a changed environment. I travelled. For Chinese, we were not supposed to travel for a year, but I could not help it and my papo supported me, including the youngest grand ma that I told you before. I chose Bali. Even though, I was longing for a change, but I still chose a place that my mambo loved so much!! Funny isn't it.? With a help of my lovely Seattle girls, I walked down the lane of memories. I went to papaya supermarket, went to Ubud, ate sushi and ate Korean food at the place that mambo liked, did things that mambo loved. I have told you that mambo loved discount haven't I? Papaya after 8 PM had a discount for their food, and that's what we did. After a year, I went to US, to Minneapolis. I also walked down the lane where me and mambo shared memories. I went to the restaurant that she loved, I walked down the streets that we walked together. I recalled what she told me when we walked, or passed something :) Or, I would watch movies that we used to watch a lot together. It was soothing. Again, different people have different ways to deal with loss.
 |
| Our Sunday - Watching Sr. Act 2 :) |
One more thing, I think I was helped by mambo to be able to move forward. One day, I think it was not even 100 days, my message lines with her was gone. Erased unknowingly. Like something happened with my phone, and all my message threads with her was gone. I was hysterically cried like I lost my mom again. I think I cried harder than when my mom was passed. I honestly was still peeking at the messages, remembering that we just talked a few hours before she was passing. I was crying whenever I read the last message of me and her. It was painful, but I liked it. It was a prove tha she was there before. However, it might be erased for the better. I cried alone and shouted in the bed room until my dad came and asked me gently what's going on. He then told me that it was erased for a better purpose. Maybe, it should be erased so mambo could go smoothly. He added that memories would never die, I could create a conversation of me and mambo in my head if I wanted to. Papo said
... that people who died are only a prayer a way from you...
I'd like to say that I enjoy whenever my mom's coming into my mind. I told to my self that whenever I remembered or missed my mom, I would not remember her in vain, but remember her in joy because she did have goofy side of her. Also, because she was gone not in pain, but in a beautiful way as I have talked in here...
Dealing with loss, I will bravely embrace it. Not in agony, but in a grateful heart for what they have done for me. Cheering for them. For how they have done in life. If they have lived a kinda painful life, then, pray for them.
Again, I am not an expert. People may or may not agree with me. Some will go extreme. They might prefer to drastically change things, but... this is the way I deal with loss. Please don't think that it is going to be easier if I ever lost somebody that I know dearly. It will never easy. Seeing someone dying was a blessing and a curse. I am seeing death in a different way. I still can't imagine if my dog dies, if my papo, my opa oma, or my friend died... but death is something that we are eventually facing. So... let's just face it. Feel the pain, but don't let the pain bites you... you are the remote control of yourself anyway...
This is the way I deal with loss...
Cry if you need to, but then smile because they have graduated...
 |
| Mambo: Thumbs up!!!!! |
Cheers
CVB
No comments:
Post a Comment