Practical Living for a Solo Soul - How to deal with loneliness and homesickness

Heylo..

Here I am back again with the long-named-series. This is the second episode of the series. Living alone, or solo always stumbling upon these two issues. Loneliness and Homesickness, depending on the duration of your status living alone. If you are the first timer, usually homesickness and loneliness come together like a combo. Most of the time, only homesickness since you are excited making new friends for the first few months. For the veterans; those who have been living up to 10 years by themselves, maybe.. once in a while, they will feel lonely without realizing it. For my case, I still feel these two. Intertwining. Especially when I lived in Surabaya. Funny eh? Because, I could not recall if I was really lonely or homesick when I was in the US. I think, it was only the first year when I was in Seattle. New environment. That's it. However when I am in Surabaya and Malang, once in a while, here and there, I still feel lonely or homesick. Anyway, let's dig in into things that probably can help you to deal with these two 'sickness'

First thing first, always knowing yourself first. Whether you are actually an introvert or extrovert ones. Perhaps, you can be both... sometimes you are outgoing, and some other times you need your quality me time. For the extrovert case, mostly they are OK. Because they often feel lonely when they are not doing anything, but they immediately reach out friends so they basically can deal with loneliness well. However, they especially lonely at nights actually.
While the introverts are looked fine at home alone. Nevertheless, this is actually the dangerous part. Since the introverts don't really realize that they are feeling lonely. They shut themselves at room, and by the time goes, they actually nearly depressed. People! You need to meet up!
So... what is the solution?

Everything needs B.A.L.A.N.C.E. and you should find a community Whether you are a an extrovert or introvert. A community is good. Starts from there. I am totally aware that introverts sometimes feel better at home, but they still need people. :) Starts with the common interest, whether it is religious, work-related, school clubs, or game community. With community, you start to converse, you are releasing your bottled up energy. You will find one or two persons who have similar common sense with you, make friends. People; how individualistic they are, they still need interaction.
Next, Call Your PARENTS! or family. Have you heard cases that people who firstly are not really closed with their family, finally getting closer when they are away? Yep! It is true. It happens to me, my cousin, and some of my friends. I personally feel much better after talk to my dad.

Now, dealing with homesickness.
For me, I learn to cook food that I like to eat at home. I learn how to make Mie Goreng Kanton *Chinese Makassar specialties. It helps. Food is one thing that is easily making you feel like at home. Other thing, reminiscing by turning on your family Sunday tunes, or what you and your friends would listen while on a drive. I also re-watch my family favorite movies; The Sound of Music, Lion King, and Sr. Act 2.

Also, you could just walk out and wander around. Maybe chillin at a grocery store, strollin a long your neighborhood, or listen to songs while walking around. It helps to clear your mind. And be strong :). Just remember that you always have a home to come back. The home will never move away, still there, and always welcome you back... :)

CVB

Practical Living for Solo soul - Grocery edition

Hola, to commemorate the 7th year I live by myself , I would like to introduce to you the new series...

It is called Practical Living for Solo Soul. Sorry for a long name. It will contain up to 3 posts (weekly updated) blabbering about how to survive as a person who lives alone. I have only been in my 7th year of my solo living so I can't say it is loooong enough to say that I am an experti, but I sense little changes in my habit dealing with living alone. This post might be helpful for those who starts living alone while working or studying. :) It is grocery edition!!

People who live alone have two dilemmas.
One: eating outside
Two: cooking alone.

Eating outside can be a dilemma because some places only serve a big portion of food and not to mention how many rupiahs you have to spend for food alone. It is not a casual option to have dine out every single day, so we go to option number two. Cooking! Now, this can be a dilemma as well since you are buying too much, and it is spoiled, and you just realize that you credit card bills are half for groceries. Not a pretty choice either. However, cooking always saves more and mom always says; "it is healthier"

I will divide into two main things; food (can be spoiled) and non-food (obviously not gonna be spoiled or expired any date soon).

FOOD
First thing first you have to check on your self what kind of eater you are. Do you get bored easily over the same menu? or Do you usually go for one menu for the whole week? I fall into the first category. If you are the second category, you are more saved. You can buy the whole broccoli or chicken and eating it for the whole weeks. Me? I can't. So, I will elaborate about how to grocery shopping smartly enough.

If you are a very very first timer, yes you need basics at your kitchen rack ready. Cooking oil, salt, pepper, and sugar. Only up to there for the time being. For Indonesians, additionally sweet soy sauce is the maiiiiinnn star. Don't think of any hard recipes. Simply cooking egg, fried rice will be good enough to survive.

Secondly, we go for the goods. if you are like me who likes to change menu every two or three days, and love to eat variety of menu, you can follow my tips. Thinking of the menu, is a good starts up; however, my tips is, you should buy ingredients that can be mixed and matched. There is one of the days, that I really really want to eat a particular menu, so I go for it. Instead of buying things that you think that "ah, just buy, I might need it someday" or "I might cook 'this' someday" No! It would barely happened. Your stomach sometimes can be spontaneous. So, just stick to the simpler things.

1. buy a soup package containing five different veggies in small portion. Believe me it is enough for yourself, plus, you can make 3 receipes out of it. Also saves up since you will use the whole ingredients without wasting it.



2. Always have 6 eggs maximal on your pantry unless you eat hard-boiled egg every morning like some other person that I know. Check the expiration date. my 6 eggs can survive for 6 up to 10 days depend on my preference. I limit myself up to an egg a day. Maximum 2 if I cook a bigger portion of meal.

3. Buy a reasonable size of condiments. Mothers always say that bigger is better, but that's not always the case. We only live by ourselves. Condiments have expiration dates. Unless, you are cooking every single meal and every single day, that's another case. But, medium size condiments are always convenient. Moreover, if you are buying more ingredients other than the basic ingredients mentioned before, you better buy a smaller size since that's not gonna be used often. For instance mustard or mayonnaise, I guess we will not use that daily. Believe me, it is cheaper and efficient that way. You will not waste anything.

4. CALCULATING! If you have lived alone for quiet some time, you may have predicted when you will be dining out or not. Don't naively say that you'll be cooking one month long. It will never happen. So, I am suggesting you do grocery shop at least twice a month. Each grocery only buys what you are going to cook or eat. Especially vegetables and fruits. Tips! buy ingredients that can be 'mixed and matched.' Don't over-buy on anything. For example, buy only up to two or three type of fruits, limit it to the fair amount. I usually buy up to five apples plus a package of mixed fruits. Mixed fruits can be expensive but it does the same with the package mixed-vegetables. It is more saving this way. You can eat variety of fruits, but not wasting it.

5. Tips for buying bread. Bread only lasts for three days. Keep it refrigerated and heat it on the pan when you want to eat it.

6. Last source of heaven, please keep canned food and instant food for the end of the month or when you are having PMS and practically lazy dining out, lazy cooking day. LOL. I always have a canned of sardines and a small sachet of corned beef. Instant noodles up to 5 packs.

7. Aside from the mixed veggies that I have mentioned above, I sometimes want some freshness in my plate. For vegetables, I decide to purchase at the local market. It saves up significantly. Vegetables are encouraged to be bought daily. For the freshness. My tips, you just buy one or two main things for the day. Whether go for spinach, or one menu *bean sprouts and carrots stir fry for example, so you are not going to waste it. Buying in the local market sometimes a trouble. Because it offers you cheaper if you buy a lot. Again! Don't fall for that. Keeping fresh vegetables for a long run is not good. Unless veggies like carrots, eggplants, or cucumbers are ok for a long run. Nonetheless, totally not for the greens. That is my main reason why I love Korean cooking or Korean food culture. I cook the whole spinach haemul and stored in the fridge. I can eat it up to 3 or 4 times. If you don't like eating cold food, put it out in the room temperature for a while, so you can still eat the nutritious food.

8. For proteins, I always have tofu in my fridge. Mainly because I like tofu; boiled, stir fried, fried, put in the soup. Very practical and cheap. However, I also go for other type of proteins. At least store 1 type in the freezer. Don't be greedy to buy chicken and meat at the same time unless you really want to cook the whole thing.


NON-FOOD
for non food, I suggest you always buy the biggest size. Because it won't be spoiled. But, you have to calculate precisely what you should restocking now and later. Because buying them all in one go is not convenient for solo living. If you don't have car or motor cycle, bringing all full size liquid bottles are not practical. So, you have to divide what should you restock first. Kitchen stuff or Bath stuff.

I spend around Rp 500.000 a month for all the groceries and food (for cooking). It can be less than that, but I am pretty generous on food. Sometimes, I also like to buy imported ingredients; thus, it goes around that number. You may have less than that if you want. Sometimes, I only spent up to Rp200.000 for a whole month if I only buy essential things.

Another tips; just use one medium or small size of shopping basket. So, you won't end up buying other un-important or un-urgent things.

Here is to sum up the points:
1. Don't be greedy!
2. Think of the present! Mostly, because you never know what your mood in the next day, or next week. So, just buy what you need in a week or two *depending on the busy days you have
3. Spend more time in calculating. Making sure that you include your busy days, so you know what to prepare.

Happy grocery shopping!!!!

my grocery the first week of September

Currently (September edition) - Dealing with Loss

I am supposed to post another series on Strawbearies as I promised before, but the first week of September is really something. That is why I will post the 'Currently' post up first, along with a big theme  - Dealing with Loss.

Life is a drama itself isn't it? Sometimes, you find 3 events happened in one 120 minutes movie. Sometimes, in a series, somebody says I love you on episode 2. Then, somebody is killed on episode 4. I feel that my life in the first week of September is like a drama. On the 1st of September, I heard a joyful news, we finally have birthday celebration for FOUR generations on 1st September. My grandma, my aunt, and we have to skip the third generation, go directly to fourth generation, my niece was born on first of September. What's more delightful than that? A miracle does happen. It was a blessing. truly.

Then, September 3rd, I flew to Jakarta for another wedding. She's one of the closest when I was in high school. I hung out a lot with juniors when I was in high school. She and the other 2 girls were together with me as Alto in the school vocal group. I was so happy seeing familiar faces whom I never seen for years. I was happy. Joyful. Delighted.

Finally, September 4th, just when I arrived in Malang from Jakarta, I saw the news on line saying one of my mom's aunt was passed away. Life is indeed like a movie. I can't believe that everything can be happened in a week. Life is a cycle indeed, and it moves forward. What bugs me tho, I am thinking of her sister. The grandma (my mom's aunt) who passed away is unmarried, she lived with her youngest sister who also unmarried. The youngest worked with my mom as old as I am. My family is so closed with her. She is one of the most influencing people in my life. She was the one who picked me up from school since kindergarten to high school. No kidding. Literally, daily. I am worried of her. Losing someone really strikes you after all the crowds are gone, when you are alone at the places you shared memory with the one who passed. I am imagining, she is sleeping on the same bed with her sister, she eats on the same table with her sister, and many things in her home or in her daily will remind her of her late sister. This is what happened to those who are left.

Dealing with  loss always different to everyone. But, one thing for sure, tears will be shed, if you are remembering of your loved ones who passed away already. I remember, not so long before my mom passed, she told me that she missed her dad so much with teary eyes and shaky voice. At that time, her dad already passed over a decade, but her feeling of loss still there. I believe everyone will do the same. I do the same. It has been only three years since my mom passed away, and I can't help but tearing if I miss her, if I remember about her, if I encountered something that related to her. Not long a go, I think about last week of August, I suddenly missed mambo so much. So... much.... It happened once in a while. Before, every Sunday was a miserable time, because I was all alone in Malang and nothing to do, my brain automatically played a memory with mambo. That's how it is. I somehow don't want to forget. I am afraid to forget the memories about mambo. I want to recollect every memory about her even that means that I have to cry or if I have to feel sad. Because, it is a disaster if I forget about her.

Dealing with loss for me is facing it. If you miss somebody who passed, remember her or him. Nothing is wrong about crying. Nothing is wrong about recalling memories about them. Those who have passed, are meant not to be forgotten. They've been in our life anyway. I know we should not drown in sadness, but remembering is not wrong. The wrong thing is if we forget.

I have not really shared about this to anyone, but weeks after my mom passed, everyone was asking me whether I was Ok or not. I answered to them that I was OK. I was OK indeed, but that's because people's attention was still with us. However, months after that, me and papo felt the pain of losing even more. People always move forward with their life, their attention on us was not so intense anymore, then, we could not help but dealing that somebody who's been with us, was not with us anymore.

From my personal experience, after 100 days of my mom passed, I could not help but longing for a changed environment. I travelled. For Chinese, we were not supposed to travel for a year, but I could not help it and my papo supported me, including the youngest grand ma that I told you before. I chose Bali. Even though, I was longing for a change, but I still chose a place that my mambo loved so much!! Funny isn't it.? With a help of my lovely Seattle girls, I walked down the lane of memories. I went to papaya supermarket, went to Ubud, ate sushi and ate Korean food at the place that mambo liked, did things that mambo loved. I have told you that mambo loved discount haven't I? Papaya after 8 PM had a discount for their food, and that's what we did. After a year, I went to US, to Minneapolis. I also walked down the lane where me and mambo shared memories. I went to the restaurant that she loved, I walked down the streets that we walked together. I recalled what she told me when we walked, or passed something :) Or, I would watch movies that we used to watch a lot together. It was soothing. Again, different people have different ways to deal with loss.

Our Sunday - Watching Sr. Act 2 :) 

I do agree that we should not be drown by loss. Someone passed away, we should live. There are certain things if changed, would give us a better environment to keep going. Maybe, a change in the room from what it used to be, might help. My friend who suddenly lost her dad, tried to move forward by working a lot, my cousin who lost her dad a month after my mom did the same thing I did, she walked down the lane of memories where her dad and her spent a lot of time. She travelled to Indonesia from the Netherlands. Different people have their own ways. I also know somebody who would like to be alone and wandered around outside.

One more thing, I think I was helped by mambo to be able to move forward. One day, I think it was not even 100 days, my message lines with her was gone. Erased unknowingly. Like something happened with my phone, and all my message threads with her was gone. I was hysterically cried like I lost my mom again. I think I cried harder than when my mom was passed. I honestly was still peeking at the messages, remembering that we just talked a few hours before she was passing. I was crying whenever I read the last message of me and her.  It was painful, but I liked it. It was a prove tha she was there before. However, it might be erased for the better. I cried alone and shouted in the bed room until my dad came and asked me gently what's going on. He then told me that it was erased for a better purpose. Maybe, it should be erased so mambo could go smoothly. He added that memories would never die, I could create a conversation of me and mambo in my head if I wanted to. Papo said

... that people who died are only a prayer a way from you...

I'd like to say that I enjoy whenever my mom's coming into my mind. I told to my self that whenever I remembered or missed my mom, I would not remember her in vain, but remember her in joy because she did have goofy side of her. Also, because she was gone not in pain, but in a beautiful way as I have talked in here...

Dealing with loss, I will bravely embrace it. Not in agony, but in a grateful heart for what they have done for me. Cheering for them. For how they have done in life. If they have lived a kinda painful life, then, pray for them.

Again, I am not an expert. People may or may not agree with me. Some will go extreme. They might prefer to drastically change things, but... this is the way I deal with loss. Please don't think that it is going to be easier if I ever lost somebody that I know dearly. It will never easy. Seeing someone dying was a blessing and a curse. I am seeing death in a different way. I still can't imagine if my dog dies, if my papo, my opa oma, or my friend died... but death is something that we are eventually facing. So... let's just face it. Feel the pain, but don't let the pain bites you... you are the remote control of yourself anyway...

This is the way I deal with loss...

Cry if you need to, but then smile because they have graduated...

Mambo: Thumbs up!!!!! 

Cheers


CVB