Currently - October Mood

Let the intermezzo is in!
A halt for previous series. I need to release my October mood. I have been haunted by this idea that I am doubting my own heart. It is like... I know the answer is there, but my mind is still speculating this and that. It is confusing and exhausting. It reminds me a lot of those days back in 2011 when I struggled on whether to go home or to stay in the States. Here, all over again with different matters, with more uncertainty. Growing up, things are not getting easier haha... Here it is an excerpt from an Indonesian movie in early 2000, starred Rachel Maryam and Marcel Siahaan - Andai Ia Tahu. 

Kejujuran itu seperti es krim
Kalau tidak dilahap... bakalan cepat meleleh.. 
hilang ditelan hawa panas. 
Bisep di tangan itu kan otot fisik. Nah.. kejujuran itu otot mental. 
Dan otot harus dilatih terus.. biar kuat...

Hari ini latihan kejujuran gue... 
Jujur pada diri sendiri...

Gue takut... 
Takut kalau intuisi gue mengenai banyak hal selama ini salah... 
Gue takut... 
Takut kalau gue bangun besok matahari nggak muncul di timur...
Atau gimana ketika gue bangun besok...
Gue baru tahu..

Kalau hati bisa salah...

Renata - Andai Ia Tahu, 2002

Honesty is like an ice cream. If it is not eaten, it will be gone out of the heat. Biceps in our hands are muscles, honesty is mental's muscles. And muscles are supposed to be trained.
My honesty train for today is.. honest to my self.

I am scarred...
Scarred if my intuition about many things are wrong.
I am scarred...
Scarred if I wake up tomorrow, the sun is not showing from East.
Or how about if I am waking up tomorrow, I just know that... heart can be wrong...

It is representing what I have been feeling. Following heart. Intuition. All is my thing, but... I am in that position where my head speaks louder stirring my heart. I have fears. Nonetheless, I also encountered one good quote early this month...

Are you feeling a bit shaken, maybe stirred, and maybe fearful, and completely, utterly, wildly terrified? 

Good! Keep Going!

Victoria Erickson

So... Chen... Clench you teeth hard and keep going!!!  

CVB